Sweet Child Of Mine
by PeachyKeen
Summary: In the words of Matthew Brock, 'Everything's gone totally bitchcakes today!'
1. Prologue

Sweet Child Of Mine

Sweet Child Of Mine.

Warnings:Weird-ass fic I wrote based on a semi-drunken conversation with the She Devil. Kind of Slashy….

Summary:The She Devil and I know, but do you know?(Probably!)

Cats:Humor/Comedy/Drama

Dave lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling.He thought of all the people he'd been with in the past two months.He knew he was somewhat of a whore, but he couldn't help that he was so good-looking.He was also bisexual, which made him even more of a target for the ER to release their…tension.

He'd slept with most of the ER, in fact.None of _them_ would admit it, but he knew.He hadn't slept with Kerry, Kim, or Elizabeth, but he'd been with everyone else.Just then, his alarm clock buzzed, signaling that it was time to get up and go to work.He rolled out of bed, noticing that he was feeling rather queasy, but shrugging it off as something he ate.

At the ER, he felt even worse.He'd eaten breakfast, and it wasn't agreeing with him.He bolted to the bathroom and emptied his guts into a toilet bowl.He just then realized from the pinkish color of the walls, that he was in the ladies' room, and a very surprised looking Abby was looking at him.

"What?Ain't you ever seen a dude puke before?"He asked, strutting out.

The entire ER was staring at him when he came out.

"What?I had to spew!"He said, trying to defend himself.The ER looked away and went back to their jobs.

He felt even worse two hours later, and he was throwing up on and off all morning.This actually continued for days, until Kerry forced him to have tests done.Finally she was given the results.She dropped everything, including her crutch.

"Holy Shit."She whispered, picking up her stuff to find Dave.

It's late at night, so I will post this and begin a new chapter tomorrow morning.You'll like this fic, I promise!


	2. Comes Across All Shy and Coy...

Chapter 1- Comes Across All Shy and Coy…

Chapter 1-Comes Across All Shy and Coy…

Oh, just so you know, chapter titles have nothing to do with the story.They're just lyrics from some of my favorite songs.This one, for example, is from Placebo's 'Nancy Boy'.

Dave lie in his hospital bed, wondering what the hell was wrong with him.Why was he this sick now?Then something dawned on him.He might have an STD.Aids, syphilis, herpes, gonorrhea…Shit, what did he do?He cursed aloud for several minutes, wondering what was taking so long with his results.

Kerry came walking down the hall, with a mission to find Dave.Romano tried to get in her way, and so she beat him down with her crutch.She found Dave's room and gently opened the door.

"Hey, Chief?Do you have my results back?"

"Yes, Doctor Malucci.I do."She said.

"Do I have an STD?"He asked, nervously.

_Boy, Do you._She thought, looking at him.

Just then, Luka passed Dave's room and stopped at the door.He hid outside, just so he could her Dave's prognosis.

"Dave, I know you aren't going to believe this, but…You're pregnant."

Dave passed out.

"ABBY!ABBY?WHERE ARE YOU?!?!"Luka yelled.

"Luka!I'm right here!What could be so damned important that you have to scream my name like you do in b-" She stopped suddenly, realizing that everyone was listening, even though they were pretending to work.

"Abby, you will not believe what I just heard."

"What now?"

"It's Dave's prognosis."

"Well, what happened?!"

"Dave is pregnant."

"Yeah, right.Fuck off, Luka."

"Later, but it is true!I heard it from Kerry's own mouth!It was no joke either.They're going to perform secret tests today."

"Wow. Who's the father?I mean, everyone's slept with Dave.Even me."She said.

"Your infidelity would hurt, but I also was with Dave during our relationship."Luka admitted.

"That means you could be the father."

Luka passed out.

"Carter!John, wait!"Abby yelled, running up to Carter.

"Guess what?"

"Hmmm?"

"Dave's pregnant, no joke!"

"B-but he can't be!I mean, he's not only a guy, but I'm not ready to be a father!"Carter said.

"Oh, God.I could be the father!"Carter said, hitting the floor like a dead deer.

"Hey, Mark.Guess what I heard today."Elizabeth said, next to Mark's hospital bed.

"Dave's pregnant."

"So you heard, too?"

"Yeah.I fainted and hit my head on the sink.That's why I am here, as is Luka and Carter."

Elizabeth smiled."Well, he'll get his paybacks for all those Pregnancy jokes I heard him say."

Mark saw a glint of evil in her eyes, and for a moment, felt terrible for Malucci.

Yosh hummed a tune as he organized the supply closet on this slow ass day.Haleh walked by.

"Hey, Yosh!Guess what I heard from Elizabeth?"

"She's pregnant again?"Yosh asked, not looking up from the pill bottles.

"No, but there's someone else, and I think you're gonna like the sound of this."Haleh said.

"Well, go on, Haleh!Tell me before I die of anticipation!"Yosh said.

"Dave Malucci is pregnant!"

Yosh grinned."HA!I knew that there was hope for gay men!!!!" 

Haleh shook her head with a smile as she watched Yosh dance all around, happily.

"Robert?"Kerry asked, poking her head through his door.

"Yes, Dr. Weaver?"Romano said, trying to look busy.

"I have some rather shocking news from the tests we performed on Dr. Malucci today…"

"What.Has it turned out that he has a brain?"

"No.We performed several tests, and this is what we found."

Romano took the results and read them carefully.

"This is wrong.He is a man, Kerry.He may not act like it, but he has a dick."

Kerry pursed her lips into a tight smile.

"How would you know this, Robert?"

"Because, he is such a man-slut I slept with him, and so did all the rest of the ER."

She smiled that freaky know-it-all smile again.

"So you could be the baby's father?"

Romano fainted, his body whapping the desk as he went down.

Kerry laughed slightly.Revenge was so sweet.

All the men who had fainted were put in the same room.They were all awake and staring at one another.

"Dude, how the HELL did this happen?"A very irate Carter said.

"Gee, John, maybe that you shoved your dick up his ass, jizzed, thereby impregnating him?"Romano snapped.

"ME?!?!You slept with him too!"John yelled back.

"Stop it.Any one of us could be the father.And what if I am?What will Ella think when she gets old enough?"Mark asked.

"Who the hell cares?"Luka grumbled, rolling over as much as he could and covering his head with a pillow.

"SHUT UP!"They all yelled at Luka.

"Yeah, so Carter, what are you going to name it?John Truman Carter the fourth?"Luka asked, giving up on sleep.

"SHUT UP YOU FOREIGN BASTARD!"

Luka could help but snicker.

"What are you going to name it?Marco Luka Kovac the second?"Carter said, trying to retaliate.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE TO FUNNY!!!!!!"Luka screamed, causing nurses to come in in droves.They sedated each man, so that they would sleep the rest of the night, and probably not remember much in the morning.

"Pregnant?"Dave's sister, Christy, asked.

"Yup.I don't know what sex yet.Could be awhile."He said.

"Are you going to keep it?"She asked.

"Of course I am!I know they're going to try and kill it so they can do tests, but it's MY baby, goddamnit!"

"What are you going to name it?"

"I don't know.I gotta figure the father first, but I was thinking about 'Lily' for a girl and 'Vincent' for a boy."

"Damn, Dave.You're really acting like a girl now."

"Well, I _am_ going to have a baby, aren't I?"

End Chapter 2

What do you think so far?This is definitely a new fic, isn't it?I can say in truth that I have never seen this plotline in ER before….Well, I'll see you!

Peace, Love, and a Shirtless Erik,

~PeachyKeen~

Oh yeah, Quote… 

"If I die, tell Rolling Stone that my last words were 'I'm on drugs!'"

-Almost Famous (Cameron Crowe.)

Oh, yeah.It's still in progress, but I need some fanfic to put up on my webpage at: missmarymolkoer.moonfruit.comit has a few kinks yet to work out, but I'll put your fics up, don't worry.Follow the guidelines, and you'll be all set.:-*


	3. Embrasse-moi, mets ton doight dans mon c...

Chapter 2- Embrasse-moi, mets ton doight dans mon cul…

Chapter 2- Embrasse-moi, mets ton doight dans mon cul…

Again, the titles have nothing to do with the chapters.This is from another Placebo song, called 'Mars Landing Party'.It's all in French, and I could probably post the whole set of lyrics, but I doubt any of you want it.Especially if you know what that means.It's so Brian Molko, though…

Uh, I thought that Newsradio (The show with Andy Dick and Maura Tierny…) was set in New York, but for the purposes of my fic, and its setting, Newsradio is in Chicago.Yeah, Andy Dick has a part, as (for those who watch,.. he's Matthew.)

"So, do you have any ideas of who the father is?"Kerry asked Dave, whose stomach was beginning to pop out a little.

"Well, yes.I have an idea.It's either Carter, Luka, Romano, Yosh, or Mark."

Kerry looked at him.

"Did you ever give yourself a break?"

"Just for a smoke."Dave smiled.

"You don't smoke anymore, now that you're pregnant, do you?"

"Nope.I have to look out for Junior here."He said, gently rubbing his belly.

Kerry smiled."Paternity test."She said, pulling him into an exam room.

"What do you mean, a blood test?"Romano asked.

"You heard me.I have to take a sample of each of you guys' blood in order to find out who the father of Dave's baby is."

"But, Kerry, I don't like needles!"Carter whined.

"Bullshit!You were a junkie!"Luka said.

"That's why I am afraid of needles.My immature, over-plotted mind says that I can get hooked again, in order to keep Erik Palladino from having any lines."

"Stay on Script, dumbass!"Mark said, smacking Carter upside the head.

"Fine!"Carter said, sticking out his arm for a blood test.

A few days later-

"Guys, we screwed up the blood tests, and it looks as though we'll have to wait until Dave gives birth before we know anything."Kerry said.

The five guys stared at her, and each looked as though they were going to murder her right then and there. 

"What do you mean, you screwed up?"

"Well, when we did the tests, it seemed that none of you were the father, which can't be true, as you are the only men, or people that happen to have the proper organs that he slept with."

"Bitch!I'll kill you!"Mark screamed.

The remaining guys had to pull him back.

"Let it go.I'd rather not know right now anyway."Luka said.

Three months has passed, and Dave is now five months along.He has grown considerably, and he still looks damn fine, even when pregnant."Kerry?Do you think we can know the sex yet?"He asked.

"Well, I guess we could find out, now."She said.She sent him to have a sonogram.Dave smiled as he looked into the screen.He couldn't tell the sex just yet, but he smiled at the sight of his baby."This is your healthy baby…uhm..well, I can't tell just yet."

Then it dawned on Dave._My baby.Wait a second!There might be one other person that could be the father._

_ _

"Kerry?"He asked.

"What?"

"There might be a reason that the blood tests were negative for the guys…"

"What might that be?"

"His name is Matthew."

"Who the hell is Trevor?"Haleh asked Chuni.

"Apparently Dave's ex-boyfriend.He works at the Newsradio station.The two had a battle over marriage, and Matthew walked out."

"How do you know this?"

"Kerry got Matthew's phone number out of Dave, and she made me call him.He sounds cute."

"Hmmmf.That's all you ever think about."

"And, your point would be?"

A tall man with curly blond hair and glasses walks up to the desk a short time later."Hi, I'm Matthew Brock, Dave's ex.Um, can I talk to him?"He asked.Chuni did a double-take.

  


_He's cute, but definitely not hot… at all.Kind of a nerd, if you ask me…_

Dave chose this moment to walk out into the ER.

"Matt."

"Dave!"

Dave ran forward and hugged Matthew.The ER sighed and simultaneously said 'Awww'.Dave led Matthew away and into the lounge.

"Matty.I have to tell you something…"

"Look, if this is about Tawny and Kayla…"

"It's not about your damn cats…It's about us."

"There is an us?"

"Yes, Matt.When you left, my world crumbled.Believe it or not, idiotic as you are, you're loved dearly."

Matt hugged Dave."Really, because if you're joking, I can't take any more personal days to cry…Especially after that game of 'Who can get the coffee cup off the light fixture.'"

"No joke here."

"Whew!I thought I'd have to drown my sorrows in catnip!"

Dave shook his head."Why did I ever fall in love with you?"He whispered silently.

"I heard that!Anyway, what was this 'big news' that you had to interrupt my game of 'Patch the Hole in the Water Cooler before the Boss Finds Out'?"

"Matt, I'm pregnant.And it might be yours."

"Wow!"Matt said upon hearing the first part.

He then passed out into a water cooler, spilling the water everywhere when the second part sank in.

Okay, I know.You were expecting one of the other guys, but I am currently suffering from 'Andy Dick' withdrawl.I love his comedy, weird as it may be…So, apologies, but hey…Andy/Matt can be equally as annoying as Dave.


	4. Ground Control to Major Tom

Chapter 3- Ground Control to Major Tom

Chapter 3-Ground Control to Major Tom.Ground Control to Major Tom.Take your protein pills and put your helmet on…

Again with the titles.You should know that by now!This one is from David Bowie's 'Space Oddity'.The name alone seems to fit Andy Dick perfectly, don't you think?

"What the hell is this?"Luka asked, walking in to find Dave holding the hands of a wiry blond man, which, although handsome, looked like a geek.

"This is Matthew Brock, my boyfriend."Dave introduced.

"Oh, that is…The man from NewsRadio!"

Matthew blushed."Well, actually, I'm just a reporter…"

Luka sauntered up to Dave."Is he, the, um…"?

"He very well may be.They have to find out how far I am, and the last time I made love with Matt."Dave said, kissing Matt gently on the nose.

"Wait a minute…If the baby is mine, then it'll live with my cats…Right?"

"Probably."

"Oh, no!It'll pull all the fur and then they'll be unpresentable to the Cook County Cat Cabaret!"Matthew whined.

Dave slapped his head, and then looked down at his belly."I'm sorry, sweetie, but this might very well be your father!"

"Shut up!"

"So, Liz?Do you know how this thing's gonna come out?"Dave asked.

"Um, actually…"She said, leaning down and whispering something in his ear.

"YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?"He shrieked.

Elizabeth grinned."All the pain we women have gone through since the dawn of mankind…"She said with a sly grin on her face.

"It's payback time, _man_."She hissed, walking out of the lounge, leaving Dave to his charts.

"What a bitch-a-rooney-dooney!"Matt said.

"Yes.Thanks for clarifying that."Luka said, walking in to grab some coffee.

"Jeez, Dave only works with her…You have to sleep with her!"

"Jealous?I know Dave is, considering the fact that you belong in amateur porn."

"Why, thank you!"Matt said, with genuine happiness.

Just then there was a sound of a kazoo.

"Luka, we need help!The clown for the pedes came in…"Cleo said.

"OOH!CLOWNS!"Matthew shouted, jumping up and running out the door.

Luka looked at Dave with a raised eyebrow.

"I know, he's a little…out of it…but 1.)He's the sweetest, kindest, most loving person in the world.2.)At night he's one hell of a lover."

That night:

Matthew knelt before Dave, with his head to Dave's pregnant gut.He couldn't hear much, but he liked the fact that he was the father.Okay, so it hadn't been proven…Big Deal.He reached up and grasped Dave's hand."Dave, I love you."He whispered.Dave pulled Matthew back up.

"Davey…Will you marry me?"

A few months later-

"Abby!I think I'm having…the male version of contractions…"

"What the hell?"Romano asked.

"My dick is having contractions.Happy?"Dave snapped.

"Why does he have to get so angry?"

"Well, generally most mothers are irritable when they are having their children.Dave giving birth…Well, that'd make any man irritable."Elizabeth said.

"AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!THIS SUCKS!"Dave screamed.

"Tell me about it."Elizabeth said.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MATTHEW!"Dave yelled, acting like a nervous, er… mother.

Just then, Matthew came running around the corner, slipping on a rubber glove and sliding on his ass until he slammed into Romano.This sent the bald man to the ground.

"Oh, I am so sorry, I…"Romano shot him a look that could freeze Satan."O…kay."

Kerry took over."We're taking this baby out in a C-section."She said.

"What!?!?!?!"Elizabeth yelled, unhappy about her revenge.

"Wow.Everything's gone totally bitchcakes today!"Matthew stated.

They whisked Dave away and into another room.

"Spaz."Dave said to Matthew as they injected sedatives.

"Ziggy."Matthew replied, grasping Dave's hand.

"I love you."Dave whispered as he went out.

Hours later-

"What the hell is taking so long?"Romano asked.

"They're taking a baby out of a man.It's not like you're that stupid!"Matthew said.

"Well, hurry up!I gotta pee!"Romano whined.

"Join the club.Meetings are on Tuesday and Thursday nights."Matthew said, honestly. 

More hours later-

"Here you go, Matthew.Say hello to your little baby boy."Abby said, softly.

"Hello, little guy!"He whispered, cradling the little bundle to his chest.The baby just sucked his thumb and opened his eyes to reveal that they were the bluer than blue.There was a mess of blond hair on his head, which meant that the baby was most obviously Matthew's.

Matthew leaned down and kissed the baby's tiny hand and smiled."I hope you don't hurt my kittens!"He said.Dave smiled at the sight of his baby and his lover."Would you please quit worrying about those damn cats!"Matthew handed the baby to Dave, who smiled wide.

"Do we tell the government about this?"Romano asked.

"Don't you dare, you son of a bitch!"Benton said.

"Why, I mean, it's a guy getting pregnant!"

"Hey, this is the author's alternate universe.This universe is perfect.No hatred based on religion, no Saddam In..er… Hussein, no Jane Fonda, no Clooney, and no hatred towards race or sexuality.And now men can be pregnant.In her eyes, it's the perfect world."Carter said.

"Dammit, Stephanie!Please, if you must talk to the readers, at least use authors' notes."Mark said.

Author's Note:Shut up, Mark.

Elizabeth smiled.

"So, what are you guys going to name the baby?"

"Uh,I haven't really chosen a name…"Dave said.

"How about Tawn-"

Dave glared at Matthew.

"Seann William?"

"Much better.Seann William he shall be."

None of them knew it, but the baby had a mind that was adult-capacity, and so he could speak.

_Ehhh…Maybe these guys won't be so bad as parents._

"Agooo-booo-juuujuuu!"Matthew baby-spoke to Seann.

_Son of a Bitch._Seann thought.

The End.

I know it was weak, but I really can't find a way to go anywhere with it.I know it's a little weird making Matthew Brock/Andy Dick the father, but I absolutely adore him.He can be quite funny.Also, yes, I have fallen in love with Seann William Scott all over again, and abso-fucking-lutely have to see American Pie 1 (again) and the sequel…Jason Biggs and Seann share a kiss, I do believe…Hot, but still not as hot as the Ashton Kutcher/Seann William Scott kiss of DWMC…Okay, apologies for rambling….I'll just go now…Whadja think?


End file.
